Originally Posted by kengohchien
(Post 21967201)
Hello everyone! And Happy 2023. Hope the New Year's been good to all even if it's likely that those entering this section of the forum is likely to be erring on the wrong side of sex.
Haha, for those of you who were kind enough to read through the thread and drop a note, it was nice to hear from you and feel `heard'.
I just thought I would share a little in the spirit of hearing from one another.
I will probably get slammed by some, but contrary to what can be inferred by my happy family sorta sharing earlier, I wasn't in love with the man I married. I was, by my own sense, in love with the HIM in this thread.
But all along, I have been more of a pessimist even before I met (let's call him) A. To me, love erodes over time and in the mundanity of life. I suppose I wanted kids more in the sense that it is what every other normal person does than because of a love for children and a want to nurture the young. So yes, a conformist because I lack the courage to be different and justify to others on why. I did even tell an ex-colleague that we should not marry the person we love, for marriage would erode the love over time. And it is good enough to marry a person you can live with and that companionable relationship might even bloom over time.
Does anyone agree with me?
My husband is a good man I suppose. Yes, I did not love him when I married him. We don't actually have much sex now. I wouldn't be lying if I said the carefree and best-sex days were spent with A. But he was married (still is), and all good things must come to an end, especially in our case. If I stayed on with him and dedicated myself to him without ever giving myself a chance of marriage and children, I don't think I would have turned out normal like today. I would have likely ended in a train wreck (possible suicide or a murderer- yes, at breaking point I did think of murdering him to end us).
So just as well things turned out as they did. I was still in love with him until I gave birth to my daughter. 2017. Wow. That is a good half a decade pining after him. I am one faithful FB, hah.
And after my daughter was born, my love grew to her and I assimilated into being part of a normal family - Dad, Mum and Baby. And it was nice to sink myself into normality and being a mother. Day by day, I clung to this life, seeking comfort in being the provider of comfort to my daughter and appreciating the care and love from my husband. And slowly, the pain, anger and love for A ebbed away and today I would say it is not even a mere shadow.
I say love - because I think I really did love him. There will be naysayers who say that love lasts forever and if he is so easily replaceable by a newborn then it wasn't love in the first place. I believe there are many different layers of love and mine was a giving one, I gave till resentment and anger broke through. It wasn't an unconditional one, but I was ready to give whatever I could. I didn't need him to leave his family, but I sure wanted him to love me back, when he couldn't and wouldn't.
But that is half a decade past and water under the bridge. I am not uber content right now but this is the life I know and must lead. The house is always in a mess. My boy is coming to his Terrible Twos and being sticky. My daughter is sometimes acts like an Angsty Toddler, but such is how life pans out.
If you ask me if I regret the 5 years as an FB where most might say I wasted my time, I'd say that we are all the sum of our experiences and how we face them. If that was what life dealt me, it has shaped me to what I am today. At 40, I think half my life is already probably possibly over. There's more to life than holding on to hate and broken relationships.
But I digress and I think I might have been too mellow. It was nice hearing from people again 10 years after I left this thread!
Perhaps my mini-reflection will evoke some memories of past loves/FB relationships that put a smile on your face today. : )
|
